Director General Quarterly Trends: 9 Must-Have Agency Artefacts
Expensive elaborately designed sofas that are uncomfortable as f#@k to actually sit on but convey the kind of future thinking form over function vibe the agency is known for. Usually have food stains on them.
Shit graffiti wall with ‘inspirational’ mantras on it, like ‘Curious mind, Courageous heart, Selfless drive.’ Painted over in magnolia as soon as the agency sells to WPP.
Vintage boxing gloves hanging on a wall that signify the faux fight of the agency trying to do good in a tough and complex world. A handy alert of the complete lack of original ideas in the agency. The boss also puts them on sometimes ‘for a laugh’. Nobody laughs.
Vintage typewriter on a shelf because analog is where it is at and books written in the old times are really awesome - plus the agency creates micro pop-up banner ads for mobile browsers just like Hemingway.
Beer tap that’s never connected and has mould in the lines but useful when clients are in to show them of how to do company culture. Clients always love how a couple of free beers on a Friday night can make up for the slave wages and 100 hour weeks.
A pile of industry magazines, design-principle coffee-table books and hefty strategy manuals meticulously strewn around the place. Don’t worry, no one has read them as they are too busy reading MailOnline on the shitter, trying to get over last night’s escalation at Bario.
Paid for awards spilling off every surface because agencies know how to give a good industry reacharound and are a nice reminder to senior management that it pays to disregard your customer and make ads for coked-up European panels.
Occasional office dog called Tony to soothe underpaid, overworked staff between bi-monthly ‘pizza parties’. Features on the company Instagram in the only posts that get more than 4 likes, and is ‘hilariously’ included on the Leadership Team web page.
Table tennis table with one bat and an angry post-it note on it asking you not to use it as people are trying to work. Also used for ‘awesomely cool’ ideation meetings and as a ‘lunch & learn’ pizza table.
Director General
He sleeps in the boot of his S-Class Jag Shirley, he’s a middle-aged trendsetter, and he gets very angry when the world gets ahead of him without him noticing (so he does his best not to take his eyes off it). Once a Colossus of the Creative Industries, now not so much. He’s looking for redemption in the Lady Grey tea leaves of future innovation, and he is so confident he is on to something that he has just got himself a desk (with lockable storage) at WeWork. He’s our very own DG and he is soon to have his own show on Sky Channel 679.