Jazz-Hands for the Masses
Letter from the editor
We set out to create an alternative to the rather corporate, stale and pompous creative industry mags already out there through a heady mix of in-depth industry piss-taking and original funny stuff that we think will make you laugh. Life’s too short for bullshit, so let’s work together to drive it back up the arses of the bullshitters and keep it up there for good. We include games and exercises to help you de-bullshit your life.
Build your own hierarchy of needs
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (HON), the most overused triangle since the pyramids, is a firm favourite of jazz hand strategists and cultural visionaries across the world. Build your own HON and nail the key elements of your life you feel you need to achieve to get to that all-important top segment.
End of the world new product Team: Nuclear Winter
This week, the team’s gone nuclear, tackling all things apocalyptic. It finally happened. We’re not going to dwell on why or when or who said what about who’s mother / mental capacity, but the long and short of it is Trump pressed the button...and then so did Kim, then Vlad and so on...I know, just as we were getting out of regular winter we now have to contend with a nuclear winter. Still, you know what they say? In every crisis, there’s an opportunity. So let’s take a look at our top three.
Ten jobs you can't do on yourself
Some people are just unlucky. They spend years training to be the best at their job, but then have to ask someone else to do it for them if they are in need of their own services. Very frustrating! We only got to nine - can you think of any others?
Director General Quarterly Trends: 9 Must-Have Agency Artefacts
Once every three months, we pull DG from the boot of his Jag Shirley, to give us his quarterly low down on the hottest trends around. This quarter he turns his sights on the trends in the all-important agency paraphernalia market. The DG shares his 9 must-have agency artefacts.
CEO in the bubble does collaboration
The MICKEY’s milkshake throwing decision tree
Caught in two minds about whether you should go purchase an extra thick Oreo cookie milkshake with cream on top to throw at a Fascist? Use the MICKEY’s handy cut-out-and-keep Fascist Milkshake Throwing Decision Tree (FMTDT) to help you quickly make the correct decision.
Internet ads for women
HOW TECHNOLOGY MADE EVERYTHING FASTER, RUINED EVERYTHING...F#@K LITTLE MIX
If things have gotten less faffy, and producing things have become faster, then why isn't there a ferocious stream of banging work coming at us from all directions? Cosmo Soave-Smith shares why technology has ruined everything.
Meet Mike, the middle-aged ruler of the world
DG RANTS: Skin in the (end) game
The MICKEY’S very own Director General (DG) rants about agencies that take no risks and put profits before standing up for what they believe in and the communities they represent. He also finds some interesting directors in the coming breakdown of society.
Shit Dad gives advice on being gay...
Ten things to do while...Trump chokes on a cheeseburger
John Lennon said life is what happens while you are busy doing other less interesting shit. With that in mind, instead of wasting your limited time on earth sitting around doing f#@k all, here are ten things to do while some other shit is happening that is of no interest to you.
Transformation Interview with Les from BetGreg
Les, 52, manager at BetGreg in Bow, East London, tells Cosmo Soave-Smith about Big Barry’s toilet habits, how technology killed the old days, and the unseen consequences of the smoking ban…
Death of interruption advertising
(& the birth of opt-in always-on partner advertising brand experience moments)- a future history.
CEO in the bubble does HR
What they say, what they hear
Shit on it
"Many people in the communications business instinctively fear that they have been accessories to the crimes committed by big business against our planet. Our success in stimulating demand for products and services has contributed to overconsumption, resource depletion, species decline, pollution and climate change.”- Jon Steel, Group Planning Director, WPP
Agency Robot: Diversity
End of the World New Product Development Team: Brexit
Brexshit is here with a no-deal knuckle duster. But fear not, the NPD team has been sweating hot new ideas like an August holidaymaker in a Spanish Beach port-a-loo and has ideated some cracking new products to help you get through the worst of it.
The secret diary of an ecd
This diary chronicles the emotional dialogue of a giant of industry, known only to us as the ECD. Any views expressed within this diary belong to him/her, and him/her alone. As such we’ve decided to protect their identity so as not to restrict their creative spirit. This week, our beloved ECD has had enough of meetings and the day to day of work, and is eyeing up a trip to a Buddhist retreat where he is sure a new award-winning idea will manifest itself.
The MICKEY’s resident business uncle, Jamil Qureshi, helps Helen with her dying organisational culture
Helen, CEO of a large multinational with over 50,000 employees and offices in 45 countries reaches out to our business uncle. From the outside, they look like your archetypal successful corporation with a strong brand, a product customers love, and extremely happy shareholders. But inside, they are dying. Jamil shares his top tips to ensure they will still be around in 10 years' time.
Thanos corporate downsizing
Shit Dad gives advice on recycling...
End of the world new product Team: Zombie Apocalypse
No one understands how we got here, but the fact is that Zombies are real and are knocking on our office windows as we try to get some real ideation work done. Very distracting. Anyhow, we’ve come up with our top 3 new products which we think will really help.
CEO in the bubble does politics
The LA weed experience by Cosmo Soave-Smith
Cosmo is in LA to experience the legal weed buying experience so you don’t have to.
Mike, Middle-aged ruler of the world
The DG stars in...a real disruptive event
Ten things to do while...you wait for your food rations book
John Lennon said life is what happens while you are busy doing other less interesting shit. With that in mind, instead of wasting your limited time on earth sitting around doing f#@k all, here are ten things to do while some other shit is happening that is of no interest to you.
Ten things to do while...Nigel Farage becomes a working class hero
Director General Quarterly Trends: 7 key agency types
Once every three months, we pull DG from the boot of his Jag Shirley, to give us his quarterly low down on the hottest trends around. This quarter he turns his sights on the trends in the agency. The DG is breaking down the 7 key agency types.
Mike, middle-aged ruler of the world
Shit Dad gives advice on World War...
Free doodle world cup
With the Freedoodle World Cup only 9 months away, the MICKEY begins the search for the ultimate freedoodler to represent the MICKEY.
The secret diary of an ecd
This diary chronicles the emotional dialogue of a giant of industry, known only to us as the ECD. Any views expressed within this diary belong to him/her, and him/her alone. As such we’ve decided to protect their identity so as not to restrict their creative spirit. This week, our beloved ECD is contemplating the very essence of professional nomenclature in an attempt to clarify the job title, once and for all.
CEO in the bubble does annual reviews
TRANSFORMATION INTERVIEW WITH MAZ, CEO OF PERFICT CHICKEN
Maz, CEO of Perfict Chicken, muses on chicken shop tech trends and the impact of vegetarianism on fried chicken.
Nose picking across the ages
Go on...pick your favourite!
DG RANTS: Oh the horses, the horses
The MICKEY’S Director General (DG) has something to say about banks and their shit brand purpose advertising.
Your Vision Statement goes here
A vision statement is a powerful thing. It gives you a lighthouse to aim for in a foggy sea of monotony...or some shit like that. Let’s be honest, as a tool it’s over-used, verbose and paraded out like a former soap star in a pantomime. So we decided to give it one last hurrah, one final push over the top by creating the longest vision statement in the world (we are in contact with the guinness people as we speak). This is ours. Think you can do better? Give it a go.
CEO in the bubble does team building
Memory foam by Cosmo Soave-Smith
Cosmo Soave-Smith spends a year testing out mattresses in order to save humanity.
Shit Dad gives advice on Women's football game...
Director General Quarterly Trends: Trends of Trends
Once every three months, we pull DG from the boot of his Jag Shirley, to give us his quarterly low down on the hottest trends around. This quarter the DG is breaking down the trends of trends.
The DG stars in...#trendsemergency
CEO in the bubble does ideation
Agency Robot: what does success look like
How is that a successful project?
What the F#@k is going on
The three horsemen of macro flux have arrived. Geopolitical, economic and environmental change have coincided beautifully to create what many philosophers of our time have called ‘a major clusterfuck of shit’. Some days it feels like 1939, and others like 2049. A fascist past combined with a dystopian future to create a truly bullshit present.
CEO in the bubble does sustainability
Sorry guys, I can't help you here
Dave Trott is a creative director, copywriter, and author. Trott studied at the Pratt Institute in New York City, majoring in advertising before going on to found the advertising agencies Gold Greenlees Trott, Bainsfair Sharkey Trott and Walsh Trott Chick Smith. In 2004 he was given the D&AD President’s Award for lifetime achievement in advertising.
The MICKEY Vision Matrix
Easily and effectively plot your vision using this handy MICKEY vision matrix. 100% guaranteed to make sure you are always in the brilliant top right corner and never in the nasty bottom left corner. As simple as filling out your future vision and off you go - success is but a step away!
Calm C#@T Colouring
After a stressful day worrying about the coming geopolitical, economic and environmental meltdown, why not come home to a nice bit of Calm C#@t Colouring. Proven to reduce tension, stress, and anxiety, this is exactly the kind of mindfulness exercise you have been looking for. All of our c#@ts have been scientifically verified, so settle down in your favourite chair, get your colouring pens out, and start feeling calm!
Ten things to do while...Katie Hopkins waves for help from shark-infested waters
John Lennon said life is what happens while you are busy doing other less interesting shit. With that in mind, instead of wasting your limited time on earth sitting around doing f#@k all, here are ten things to do while some other shit is happening that is of no interest to you.
The DG stars in...an environmental emergency
Agency Robot: Technical Marketing
Shut up and build us a pretty website.
Future Plastic is an FSC commission by the urban watercolourist @TomNewmanStreetArt.
The commission was for two watercolours of Peckham in 2040, when the oil companies such as GAAC Corp (Growth At All Costs Corporation) have won their battle to make plastic accepted by society as a good thing, rather than the polluting evil we see it as today.
Shit Dad gives advice on the most important thing in life...
CEO in the bubble does company vision
You do not need any musical ability to play this game but a keen nose for bullshit could be an advantage
Jazz hands high fives all round!!
Peak Digital & The Death of the Death of the Physical
Is digital going to destroy the sensuousness of our physical world by replacing many of our loved physical objects with ageless digital substitutes?
Now that’s out of the way it’s time that we reintroduce you to the stark truth that is life
You’ve not got time for that shit you just scribbled down so do yourself a favour and live in the damn moment. Follow these instructions and watch as your dreams float away on the thermoclines of reality.
Agency Robot: Timesheets
Would you like me to complete the rest of the week?
Transformation Interview with Darren, a budding estate agent from WTF PROPERTY
Darren tells Cosmo Soave-Smith about the nightmare of a big bunch of keys, and why tech like VR will mean everything will be self-serve and he can just stay in the office pissing about on the internet with Gary.
The MICKEY’s resident business uncle, Jamil Qureshi, helps Ronda with millionarnials
A successful and proud 100-year-old business struggles with 'the kids' (those customers and employees in their 40s and below) - or, as some call them the millionarnials.
Shit Dad gives advice on the plight of refugees...
